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If I stop, push me

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Thursday, August 28th, 2008
6:51 am
How do other people do it? How do other people get through life?

I can't go home. I don't know where to go anymore when it hurts. I want to go back to Tech- at least I have lab/therapy there. I'm a big big coward that can't face the real world. I hate it when people lie to my face. I hate it when people make me believe that I can do something, that they give a shit- only to be disappointed again and again.

Ironically, I am more and more impressed by people with each passing day. lol. I joined this online support forum. Awhile ago. I think everyone there hates me. Iol. It took me forever to writeup an About Me column, since I hate talking about myself, and they usually include a picture- and everytime I take a pic I want to rip my face out. And it's awesome because my column is the only one that has no replies. In three days. lol. I don't even know why it hurts. These are total strangers. And yet- it still fucking HURTS like a bitch that no one cares enough to say anything. Am I creepy? Am I ugly? What's wrong with me? Even the guy who is over 25 on a teen/college forum have people commenting and initiating conversation. Why am I so alone?

I cut off my strongest link to positive reinforcement last night. lol. Donna was right. We were getting too attached. And now that I don't have him anymore- I don't know where to go. How many times do you get rejected before you just give up? How many times do people have to tell you that you're an ugly piece of shit before you start believing it? I have been a complete wreck the last three days. I need to see my therapist. But I'm in Boston. And she's not.

I think I'm going to call a hotline. I hate myself for being so fucking weak. It's just that nothing seems to go right anymore. Being gay is the fucking worst thing in the FUCKING world. Where has it led me? lol. Nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. Kicked out of the House. Terrified of trusting anyone, a total wreck. Three suicide attempts. Feeling absolutely hideous for being asian, for being fat, for not being the stereotypical cute gay white boy.

lol.

The ironic thing is that I refuse to fucking give in. Because- out there, one day. There's got to be a fucking place for me. And I'm going to get there. Or die trying.

What have I got to lose?

Absolutely nothing. I have no hope for anything left.

I want to believe. In something greater.

Thanks and don't bother responding to tell me how fucked I am or how I need to appreciate, or how I don't see how lucky I am, or how I'm not alone, or how I'm being a moody little bitch. Seriously. Don't need it, and don't care anymore. Actually, seriously, don't even bother fucking responding. I'm going to make it on my own terms- by myself.

Benji

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Friday, August 22nd, 2008
8:17 am
Dido has a new album coming out!

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Tuesday, August 12th, 2008
12:01 pm
Apparently, according to my therapist- I have this bitch face whenever I get complimented.

I supposedly plaster this big fake smile and say thank you, but it's visible in my eyes that I think the complimenter is full of shit.

lol. How interesting. I don't know if that's true.. But it's interesting that I have a bitchface for when I get complimented- I need to work on that. lol. Has anyone else noticed it? >>

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Sunday, August 10th, 2008
11:26 am
Time drips slowly-
The honeyed beads fall-
Drop by drop by drop.

It’s not like the cascades of sand
Swiftly escaping through eager fingers
It’s not like the age old father-
Ever watching over our growth and progression

It’s more like nectar,
That we harvest eagerly-
Drop by drop by drop.

It stings the tongue-
Before disappearing,
Leaving behind-
Poignant memories
And the desire to taste once more.

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Friday, August 8th, 2008
3:25 pm
Look up, my friend.
Don't fear- it's not the end.
Look forward, my friend.
Don't fret- we have the world to spend.

<3

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Monday, August 4th, 2008
11:36 pm
When the world has turned its back on you.
Take my courage.
When the lights have gone out and you can no longer see.
Take my candle.
When you lose your way, and the path is no longer in sight.
Take my map.
When the night is long and the stars are dim.
Take my bed.
When you feel like screaming at a world which isn't listening.
Take my voice.
When you feel like sobbing and sharing your anguish with the world.
Take my eyes.
When you feel like letting go and falling into a different place.
Take my hands.
When you feel like you're dying a little inside.
Take my life.

Take all I can offer- and go unto the world.
And know.
Know- that I'll be here when you return.

If things don't quite go your way.
If people make fun of you and push you away.
If you can't find a place to stay.
I'll be here when you return.
So take my dreams
and fly.

I'll be here when you return.

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Sunday, August 3rd, 2008
8:33 pm
just a thought for myself (and for whoever is familiar with YGO)

I wonder if we can represent Ryou, Yugi and Malik

as diligence, innate talent, and love of life.

And then represent

Yami no Bakura as over diligence -> obsession
Yami no Yugi as innate talent -> arrogance
Yami no Malik as love of one's own life taken too far -> complete disregard for the world

Hmm.. Who knows?

And: writing prompt for meself, because I'm too tired to actually write something right now:

We can all be heroes./Why can't we all be heroes?

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Monday, July 28th, 2008
11:55 pm
Words

I.

There were once a time that words ruled his world.
Long ones, short ones, deep ones, shallow ones-
All taken for granted.
Tossed along the breeze, given freely and carelessly flung
He had laughed and watched in fascination
as they blew through the wind.
He held them carefully with solid fingers,
caressing the vowels and soothing the consonants.

Until the inevitable day where-
his interest, his passion, his ethic, who knows-
left for elsewhere

II.

A thin film of dust covered diction slips from parted lips-
and the restless words
began to escape-
one by one
through shaking fingers

He didn't even notice.

III.

He reaches one day-
and finds nothing.
His mouth opens, but nothing comes out.
He stares and wonders-

What now?

He is filled with a deep disappointment-
having abandoned the only way of expressing it.

IV.

He is sitting when one of them returns.
It pokes at his right foot gently
and gazes with pleading eyes
He looks down
and is filled with regret-

He attempts to chase it away-
bordering it with shapes and
rigid rules

But it persists.
And he gives in, swallowing it whole
and lets it consume him from inside out-
and he knows what he has to do.

It won't be easy.
But they'll come back. They'll all come back.
He smiles and exclaims:

"Serendipity!"

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Tuesday, July 15th, 2008
7:01 pm
Don't StopCollapse )

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Monday, July 14th, 2008
6:26 pm
Heyy,

How's everyone doing?

:)

<3

I'm doing good. Thinking of starting writing again.

Does anyone want to RP with me?

>>

<<

I may suck pretty hard. :/

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Sunday, July 13th, 2008
9:59 pm
I ate three meals today.

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Sunday, July 6th, 2008
9:02 am - MAC!
Heyy

What's the difference between a MacBook and a MacBook Pro?

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Saturday, July 5th, 2008
10:34 am - lol
So ballet lessons were canceled today.

lol. I'm thinking of taking up go go dancing lessons.

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Friday, July 4th, 2008
3:15 pm - On a completely shallow note
On a completely shallow note- I've dropped a pant size and 'm small at American Apparel now!

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12:41 pm - I refuse.
I refuse to stop dreaming. I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in.

Last night I had the most fun I've had in the longest time. Thanks so much Ry.


Don't push too far
Your dreams are china in your hand
Don't wish too hard
Because they may come true
And you can't help them
You don't know what you might
Have set upon yourself
China in your hand

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Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008
6:37 pm - Heyy
Heyy,

DINNER BREAK is awesome.

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Monday, June 30th, 2008
8:58 am - lol...
My therapist had me write this out: Supposedly my train of thought that leads to my panic attacks. It was too hard to do it in first person, even bullet point wise, and I found it much easier to write about someone else:

cut for depressingCollapse )

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Sunday, June 22nd, 2008
4:26 pm
Heyyy.

I'm backkkk. And I feel a lot better. I know I still have my problems. But I have faith that I'll be able to work through them and someone grow back into myself!

lol. I'll probly try to make a post later today chatting about chemistry. lol. I think it'll be fun- esp. to start sharing total syntheses and other cool stuffz.

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Tuesday, June 17th, 2008
10:32 pm
I'm better.

Much much better.


And looking forward to spending a weekend in UCDAVIS!

:D

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1:19 am
lol. I missed an appointment with my therapist today.

I think she hates me.

lol. I was writing in my diary and I realized that I wrote

"I realized that at some fundamental level I want everyone in the world to hate me. Then no one would miss me if I died."

then I wrote

"being gay and asian gives me a head start on that front."

lol. I'm just scared that I don't care anymore. I realize now why so many gay people are so emo and self loathing. It is so hard to look up and be positive when you feel utterly alone in the world. It is hard to look at the future and see something- everyone tells you that something is there- but they don't understand. They don't have the same feelings of hopelessness. It's different. They say that it's better in the long run. It's not better if you kill yourself before it gets to the good part. C'est la vie.

I can't sleep and I don't know why.
I lie on the couch and stare at the shapeless forms in front of me.
I no longer have the strength to mold dreams and hopes from the darkness.
I want to go back.
So bad.
I want to go back and change things.
I wish I was never born.
I wish someone would understand.
Understand that I don't want this self loathing.
Understand that I don't want to be defensive.
Understand that I don't want to be hopeless.
Understand that I don't want to be depressed.
I don't want attention- or your sympathy.
I want the strength to move on.
But I don't know where to find it.
Most of all-

I just don't want to be hurt by you anymore.
I just don't want to hurt anymore.

Why am I so ugly? on the surface- and deep down inside?
When did I become so pathetically emo? I hate this- and hate myself, but I don't know what to do about it.

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